Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
