I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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