I puked a lego.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
