well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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