You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
