well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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