Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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