dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
