Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
