dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
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she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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