Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
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