I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
