I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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