I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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