We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
