just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
