I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
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Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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