remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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