Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
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No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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