so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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