i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
