bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize