Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
