My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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