I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
