I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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