if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
