I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
