Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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