So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
