she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
