How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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