i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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