Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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