2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
