i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
