last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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