I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
