are you still at the devil's house?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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