I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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