you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
