I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
