Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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