You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
