He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Never joke about your clitoris.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
