Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
