we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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