At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
