I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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