I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
