you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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