This is not my ceiling
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
