People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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