I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
