I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
