you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
