In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
