Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
