Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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