He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
