Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
