This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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